Child with Disability, Christmas, Down Syndrome, Intellectual Disability, Liz Dore, Parenting, SBS Disability, Social Interaction, Teenage and Puberty 
3 Comments To Leave or Not to Leave
Poppet and her friend are too busy playing in the water to notice the boys, but I see the boys watch the girls. It occurs to me young adults could use this as an opportunity to meet and strike up a conversation. They might hang out and perhaps get a drink from the poolside bar. Later they may exchange phone numbers and arrange to go out, maybe even have a holiday romance. I start to think of Poppet’s future relationships with guys (or girls if that’s the case).
When she was at school, I sometimes asked Poppet if she had a boyfriend or a girlfriend at school or if there was someone with whom she’d particularly like to go out. She wasn’t interested; she wasn’t even interested in the affairs of her peers, so my questions about her ability to start and sustain a personal relationship and her sexuality were left unanswered.
I’m interested to see like with all other things, whether Poppet needs to be taught how to have a relationship and what it’s like to be with someone exclusively. How much guidance will she need, how might she behave with a partner and how much will she need to learn by mistakes?
While the stakes are high when it comes to learning by error, I fully expect Poppet will have relationships and don’t believe Poppet should be restricted when it comes to dating. So long as her partner respects her and cares for her, I shouldn’t place any caveats on her relationships. The key will be to help her learn what a respectful and caring relationship looks like.
But where does Poppet have the opportunity to meet boys, especially now she has finished school? Where can she practice those skills necessary to build up special friendships, remembering she now has very limited contact with any of her peers? Have people with Down syndrome assimilated enough in mainstream society to the point when an ‘average’ boy would ask her out or do we still have a way to go? There are also some people who assume people like Poppet should only date other people with Down syndrome. In my view however, that would be like saying people with brown hair should only date others with brown hair.
I look at the boys who are playing alongside the girls vying for attention. I wonder if my presence is having an affect on their behaviour, perhaps stopping them from interacting with the girls, (any ‘ordinary’ 18-year-old wouldn’t have her mother sitting by the pool, would they?).
Perhaps I should give Poppet and her friend some space I wonder. But then again ‘my’ girls are different. There’s a fine line between giving them some space and keeping them safe. Even though they’re 18, they do need a certain amount of protection, (I mean they’re sitting in their room as I edit this making farting noises, cacking themselves).
I’m reminded of an excellent program that was aired in August 2019 on SBS called ‘Untold Australia, Have Me as I Am’. It was about six young adults who have an intellectual disability learning how to start and continue a relationship.
The show highlighted the work of a gem of a woman, Liz Dore, who provides “training in relationships and sexuality to people with a disability…” The work Liz undertakes confirms my thoughts. Poppet will need protection, guidance and support in the oftentimes unclear ways of relationships, and it seems that people like Poppet can and do benefit from appropriate counselling and training.
For the moment though I’m happy to put up with farty noises and giggles and wait to cross all those bridges when we come to them.
P.S.
There is one exclusion to all of this, however. Poppet worships Keith Urban and considers him to be her boyfriend. She sets hers sights high that’s for sure.
P.P.S.
The day after I wrote this post, I sent the girls go to the pool on their own. It was in the morning and the place had a completely different vibe. It was too early for young men it seemed but there were lots of families.